I Am a Childless Child of God…

So, I’ve been thinking of my spinster-ly status lately.

I think because I just had my 34th birthday and I’ve been feeling my age these last couple of days. (Most of the time, I don’t feel my age. I feel about 25.)

And I’ve been thinking about where I thought I would be at 34 and what I thought I’d be doing. (Don’t we all do this to some extent?)

And as you can imagine, I didn’t think I’d be doing the single and childless thing.

No, I thought by 34 I’d be almost done having kids. At the very least, I thought I’d be in the middle of having kids. I certainly didn’t think the closest I’d be to having kids was standing next to someone else’s!

For the most part, this hasn’t bothered me. I’ve loved continuing my education, exploring my artistic side, writing, traveling, deeply studying the gospel, and a host of other activities that I’ve done to create a fulfilling life.

I’ve had opportunities to serve, to love, to laugh, and, thanks to my nephews, to mother.

And I’ve rarely felt bummed at church.

I read a statement in a book by Sister Oaks that perfectly sums up my feelings. It was something like “I signed up for the WHOLE gospel, not the singles’ edition.” So lessons on families, marriage, or any other similar topic don’t offend me or make me sad. I know the church is true—even if at this time, it’s not all “true” for me.

But, there are times when I think of my younger self and all the plans I had of being a wonderful mother, and an awesome (and I do mean awesome) wife. And these times are hard.

And tears are shed.

And “Why not me?” is asked.

And the only thing that comforts me is the spirit whispering that my life is just as valid as the next; that I’m on the Lord’s errand, and that He’s proud of me.

This past Sunday was one of those hard times.

I was teaching my Beehives a lesson on their Divine role as women. I asked them what they thought that role was.

And how do you think they responded?

“To be a wife and mother.” Yep.

And then I asked, “Is that the divine role of all women?”

“Yes,” they answered.

And I followed that with “What about me? I'm not married, and I don’t have children. Does that mean I’m not fulfilling my divine role?”

Silence.




Yep, this Sunday was a tough one.

The Power to Change…

“I am tomorrow, or some future day, what I establish today. I am today what I established yesterday or some previous day.” James Joyce

So, I’ve been thinking about this quote for days and days and days now*. James Joyce is speaking my language!

Anyone who knows me knows I talk about past, present, and future Liz, ALL THE TIME!

In my head, I’m always running a little dialogue about my choices and actions. I’ll give you an example that will make you feel grateful that you are not me:

“Present Liz, how will this help future Liz? It doesn’t. It’s only helping you. I know past Liz screwed you over by making that one choice that has now become a habit. Darn you, past Liz! But, present Liz, think of future Liz, and help her out. Stop right now! I mean it! Soon, present Liz, you’re going to be past Liz, and you don’t want future Liz, who becomes present Liz, to talk about you this way, do you? No! So knock it off future past Liz, or present Liz, whoever** you are!”

Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Liz, you are one crazy lady, and need help!” But thinking this way has helped me come to terms with past behaviors, and make the needed corrections.

We only ever have the present. And if you engage with it, you can change. Slowly, but surely, I’ve been re-writing myself, trying to make sure that what I’m establishing today will make me who** I want to be tomorrow.

It’s a long, daily process. And these last couple of months I’ve done some major transformations within myself. (This is part of the reason I haven’t done any thoughtful posts in a while.)

I don’t know if you’ve tried it, but changing the way you think is hard work. And I mean HARD!

To help me with this, I’ve been doing a lot of reading. And I mean A LOT!

Books on the mind, books on thinking, books on choices, books on living in the present moment, books on happiness, books on sadness, books on spirituality, books on life, books from religious teachers, books from regular people, LDS books, non-LDS books. And then with everything I’ve read, I’ve crossed referenced it with scriptures. It’s been very labor intensive, let me tell ya!***

I’ve learned SO much: about myself, about our minds, about our spirits, about the power of thoughts and words, about the universe, about the ability we have to change, about the reliance we have on God.

And if I’m with you long enough (and we’re not with a crowd), I’ll want to tell you everything I’ve learned!

Seriously.

Case in point: Last night, at Young Womens, we were interviewing the girls on their personal progress. And I had a sweet 12 year old who I talked to for about 20 minutes on “the power she has now to make herself the woman she wants to become, and how she needs to think of her future self when making choices. But that she should live in the “now” because now is the only moment we ever truly live. And she has the ability to interpret her past any way she wants, thereby creating a new present and future.” I think she almost poked out her own eyeball to get away from me! Poor girl.

I guess I’m saying all this to remind you that you are establishing your future at this very moment, and to warn you that the next time I see you, be prepared for the onslaught of information coming your way!

You might want to have something handy to poke your eye…



*I’ve wanted to post on this for weeks, but I haven’t done any “thinky” posts in a LONG time, and it made me nervous. Yes, nervous! Light-hearted posts are much safer and easier. They don’t really bare the soul, do they? But, I’m brave, and posting. So there.

**I’ve decided to forgo “whom” because it doesn’t sound natural even though it’s grammatically correct. And because of my English degree, I felt compelled to mention it. I’m torn between two worlds, folks!

*** This is why I’ve been failing on my book blog. I’ve been reading the books; I just haven’t had the energy to post on them. But, it’s my goal for next month!

It Says What? (Beehives Learn a Life Lesson)

Last night I had an activity for my Beehives. (For those of you who don’t know what I’m talking about, “Beehives” are 12 to 13 year old girls in our church youth group.)

My activity was as planned:

1) Teach the girls interview skills by having them interview another girl and then be interviewed themselves, and

2) Teach the girls public speaking skills by having them inform everyone on the girl they interviewed.

To make this a little more fun, in between 1 and 2, I gave each girl a dollar and took them to the dollar store to buy something for their interviewee that represented something from her answers.

So, flash forward to the end of the night. The girls LOVED buying something for each other! And now it was time for presentations.

I’ll tell the rest of the story in a One Act, One Scene play:

ACT 1, SCENE 1

Cast of Characters:

- Four, really cute, excited, and loud 12 to 13 year old girls. (Well, really only three are loud. One is more quite than a silent movie.)

- A really tired leader who wanted to go to sleep at 5:30pm, but finds herself with four really cute and excited Beehives at 8:00pm. She’s having a fun time, but she’s exhausted, so her judgment is slightly impaired.

ME: Okay, [GIRL A], you go next.

GIRL A: I had [GIRL B].

(GIRL A then tells us about GIRL B*.)

GIRL A: (continuing...) And [B] said that in 10 years one of the things she wants to do is get married. So, I bought her a wedding card that she can keep as a reminder of her goal.

ME: What does the card say?

GIRL A: On the front it says “Marriage is nice.” (While showing us all a lovely embossed white card with pink flowers.)

(She opens the card.)

(Silence.)

ME: [A], what does the card say?

(Silence.)

GIRL A: I didn’t read the inside of the card when I bought it.

ME: What? (said with concern)**

GIRL A: I should have read the inside of the card before I bought it. It says “It makes all that stuff you want to do decent and legal. Congratulations!”

ME: (Hysterical laughter!) (I mean, HYSTERICAL!!) (I was really tired, and that always makes me laugh like a loon being taken to a loony bin.)***

(All the other girls start laughing.)

GIRL B: (said while laughing) Well, just seal it and I won't open it until my wedding day.

END SCENE


LESSON LEARNED: Always read the entire card before buying it!


Ah, the priceless moments of working with the youth!!


*This was GIRL B's first activity. She just turned 12. Oy vey!

**I know I should have pulled [GIRL A] aside when she seemed hesitant, but I wasn’t thinking straight.

***Seriously, it was one of the funniest things I have ever witnessed.

A Wimpy Generation

So, I’ve been in Young Womens for a while now. And, I’ve grown to love them (even my two quiet Beehives who barely say a word or crack a smile). I think they are amazing girls, each in their own way. And, I love being able to associate with them and be involved in their lives.

But, I struggle with a few things.

No one wants a Debbie Downer in their presidency. And so I often find myself hesitating with suggestions because I sound critical. And I hate that! But, on the other hand, I feel it’s part of my calling to let the president know what I think.

So, I’m trying to find balance. And as such, I’m not going to complain about anything in this post (which was my initial plan).

But, instead, I am going to tell you about something that I’ve been trying to do in my lessons and activities. And that is to combat what I call “the Wimpy Worldview.”

Now, I’m not talking about physical strength here. What I’m talking about is that character from Popeye the Sailorman; the guy who would say in every episode “I’ll gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today.”

As I’ve gotten older, and am farther removed from the teenage years (and early 20’s for that matter), I’ve noticed how Wimpy’s philosophy has taken over the mentality of today’s youth.

I’ve seen this, mildly, in some of my young women. The fact that most things should be delayed gratification does not cross their minds.

They aren’t entirely to blame. Our consumer industry has colored their world with “I want it now!” (to quote Veruca Salt).

But, this mentality will only lead to unhappy adults, and unhappy lives. And it’s something that I’ve been concerned about. To truly find value in things, they need to be worked for.

And I see this in connection with Personal Progress.

Some of the girls love P.P. and some don’t. When I was in Y.W., I wasn’t so much of a fan. It kind of bugged me that people were trying to measure my spirituality. I received my medallion to please my parents and leaders, but I never really cared about it.

Years later, I can now see the value in it. And I love being able to review my old P.P. stuff and see how far I’ve come in regards to my testimony, gospel knowledge, and overall growth.

But, I worry that some of my girls have applied the “Wimpy Worldview” to Personal Progress (which exists only to help them build their testimonies and develop their talents), as well as their spiritual development in general (separate from P.P.).

Some seem to be sliding by today on other people’s testimonies (which is okay to a point), and not paying the price for their own (waiting for “Tuesday”), and then expecting a testimony to be there in the future.

The reverse is true, of course. You need to pay today (i.e. “saving up” by reading your scriptures, praying, etc.) to insure you have it tomorrow (i.e. the habits of scripture study, prayer, etc.). And this leads to a testimony filled reservoir.

I’ve also been thinking about this in my own life, except instead of the “you” (as in “I’ll gladly pay you Tuedsay…) meaning someone else, I see it as meaning future Liz. (Those of you who know me, know how much I love to talk about future Liz.)

Confused? I’ll explain through a few examples:

A) I’ll gladly let future Liz pay the price for present Liz by not exercising today, so that I can sit on my substantial rear-end and do nothing.

B) I’ll gladly let future Liz pay the price for present Liz by not developing any of my talents today, so that I can sit and watch T.V. for 5 hours.

C) I’ll gladly let future Liz pay the price for present Liz by not reading my scriptures today, so that I can read that magazine instead.

You see what I mean, now?

Reading through these examples, you can easily see that the person I’m screwing over is myself. By not being willing to pay the price today, or to delay getting that “hamburger,” I’ve ensured that I will never have those things.

I will never exercise. I will never develop my talents. I will never read my scriptures. The present is always in the present, after all.

And this is what I’m trying to help my young women to understand.

You know, reading over this, I don’t know why I’m telling you it. I guess because it’s just something on my mind. And you know how I am about that. But really, I’m just all over the place, so go ahead and disregard.

Or chalk it up to “random Liz thoughts.”

Now that I think about it, it IS “random Liz thoughts.”

Sorry about that…present Liz was once again putting off post cohesion for future Liz.

Saturday of Service

Things I got from volunteering at the Special Olympics (in descending order from best to worst):

1. An opportunity to serve my fellowman by clapping and cheering (which is really one of the best ways to serve) and to see how that made a difference on how fast they pedaled and how it made them smile. (Well, at least a few of them smiled. Most were in the zone, and couldn’t be bothered with public acknowledgements. But, we were okay with that.)

2. A chance to get to hang out with one of my silent beehives. She was a good sport when we informed her that she would be the runner-for-help if any of the riders went down, and made her climb the chain-link fence with a pompom in her mouth for a photo op, and she didn’t seem overly embarrassed by our cheers, such as “Ride, ride. Show us your backside.” (which was later changed to “Ride, ride. Show us your best side.” due to possible sexual harassment issues.) Hopefully she had a fun time, despite being stuck with us old ladies. (Dear Rachel and Liz, I owe you, big time. You both made the day so much more enjoyable! I’m planning a “thank you” dinner. We can coordinate the best night. Love, Liz)

3. A noose of fire and halo of agony due to being in the sun for 8 hours. I coined Sunday as “The day after the Sun said ‘Hey, I’m the boss around here.’” And it’s been embarrassing going to work this week (although I’m glad I had an altruistic excuse for the burn).


Things I did not get from volunteering at the Special Olympics (in descending order from sad to really, really sad):

1. The chance to hang out with the other young women from my ward. The older girls had specific assignments (unlike ours, which was “course monitor”) and my other beehive hooked up with some of her friends and went with them for most of the day.

2. The opportunity to place the medals on the winners. (We (Rachel, Allison, and I) were asked to initially, but then we were dismissed in favor of official S.O. people. Oh well.)

3. To take home the pompom that I had been using to vigorously cheer on the cyclists. I really wanted that pompom. Using a pompom for a whole day made me come to the conclusion that we should all have one with us “at all times, and in all things, and in all places” and when we see one of our fellow humans down on his or her luck, we should whip out our pompom and start cheering.

I know that would make me feel better! “Go, Liz, go! Forget about your fro!”

It's Official!

Well, as I alluded a few posts go, I have a new calling. And as of yesterday, it's official.

I'm now the 2nd counselor in the Young Women's presidency in my ward. And as you know, this means I'm in charge of the Beehives*. Yes, I will now be enmeshed into their giggling, awkward world.

I have to admit, I have mixed emotions about this as I've had this calling before, so I know what it entails. It's a lot more work than being a Primary teacher, that's for sure.

Oh, and what's the first activity I have to help/attend this Saturday?

A beach trip.

I almost slit my throat with a hymnal when I was told.

It's not that I don't love the beach, I do. And it's not that I don't want to get to know the girls, I do. It's just that any church beach activity I have ever attended or supervised (except one) has gone terribly wrong and/or been a disaster.

And for that reason, anytime any ward has had a beach anything, I have avoided it like the plague (except in cases like this one, when I can't get out of it without being a schmuck.)

For me, Church + Beach = crappy time.

So, I'm contemplating fasting some day this week in order to steal myself against the upcoming event.

"But, Liz," you say, "you might have a great time."

"Yes," I reply dismally,"and I also might find a golden ticket in my Mr. Goodbar."

I'm not holding my breath... (but I will try to be positive).

Oh, the joys of serving in the church!



*Um, and this means that all of you, my wonderful friends, might be asked to help me so I don't lose my mind.