A Creative Endeavor, Cont'd

.....There on my bookcase, partially blocked by my miniature replica of Westminster Abbey, was a book I had purchased years before and had half-heartedly attempted to follow.

But, now, I knew I was ready! So, I went to the bookcase and pulled out The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron.

Do you have this book? Have you heard of it?

You probably have. It’s sold over a million copies.

But, in case you haven’t, here’s the gist:

Only you can remove your creative blocks. You remove them by tapping into the creative power of the Creator/Universe/God/Zeitgeist/however you define it.

These blocks prevent you from not only creating art as society has come to define it (like painting, writing, singing, dancing, etc), but they also block you from living more creative daily (like figuring out a solution to a work issue, or developing fuller and fun-er relationships).

Creativity can heal you, and heal those around you. And tuning in to your creativity can change how you view your world, making each day more exciting. (And who doesn’t want that?!)

And The Artist’s Way helps you challenge your blocks and break through them!

Now, before you say, “But, um, I’m not creative”, you need to remember that creativity is our birthright, and in every one of us. So, while you may not be writing a novel or painting your family portrait, you’re probably choosing what you wear each day (and accessorizing), or making up a story for your child, or coming up with a new way to spice up your spaghetti sauce, or changing the layout of your living room, or re-telling an incident that occurred at work (with gestures and voices). THAT IS CREATIVITY!!!

One of my favorite quotes from her book is “[A]s we are creative beings, our lives become our artwork” (Cameron, p. xxvi).

I don’t know about you, but I’ve never thought about my life as being my artwork! What an inspiring idea! And I’m ready for the challenge to make it more colorful.

Are you?

The Artist’s Way is a 12 week course. And Julia (I’m going to call her by her first name because it sounds like we’re friends) makes two requests that must be fulfilled during the 3 months:

1) You must write three pages, first thing every morning. This she calls “Morning Pages.” You are not to show these pages to anyone and you are to write whatever comes to mind (even if nothing comes to mind). Ramble away!

2) You must have a weekly “Artist’s Date.” This date should be between 1 to 2 hours long and should be done solo. It doesn’t have to cost anything, but it should delight you!

Both of these things are going to be tough for me because:

1) I’m not a morning person. So waking up earlier, just to write poorly, is going to be a challenge.

2) While I don’t mind going places or doing things by myself, I’m not so good at following through when I’m not held accountable by others (especially when my pajamas are calling my name).

But, I’m going to do it. There’s a contract in the book and I’m going to sign it!

Now, along with these two requirements, she has weekly exercises to pick and choose from. Julia suggests you pick the ones that make you the most uncomfortable. So, that’s what I’m going to do.

At this point, if you’re still reading, you might be asking yourself “Why are you telling me all this?”

Good question.

To be honest, I wasn’t going to mention it. It was just going to be something I did for myself, by myself. But last week, as I was discussing this book and it’s concepts with my friend, Taryn, she suggested that I should blog about it, and that perhaps it might inspire someone else to try something creative. And she’s absolutely right! (Plus, it helps me with accountability. Bonus!)

So, if you’re interested, I’m starting next week (on Monday, of course). I’ll being posting about the exercises I choose, the struggles I have, the discoveries I make, and my weekly Artist Date. My plan is to post all this on my sad, lonely, and forgotten blog. (I want to leave this blog open for all my other witty thoughts…..… [crickets chirping]……… [hollow wind blowing]……… [……….]………)

If you want to try this with me, great! I would love for you to share this journey with me.

But, more than that, I hope you realize that you have the option of injecting creativity into your life any time you choose.

Choose now!

A Creative Endeavor

Let me ask you a question:

How creative is your life?

Very? Not very? Huh?


Now, let me ask you a slightly different question:

How creative are YOU in your life?

A little? A lot? What?


Okay, let me ask you a third question:

Would you like more, and to be more, of it? (Creative, that is.)

Yes? No? Maybe?


Now, let me tell you why I’m asking.

Before I started Grad school two years ago, I was dabbling in creative things. I was working on my mixed media art, I was taking online art workshops, I had started a blog about my poetry/fiction writing, and I was frequenting dozens of creative blogs for inspiration and community.

But, then, I started school.

And with that, everything else “superfluous” took a back seat (or in some cases, was dropped off at my parent’s house, never to be seen again.)

That’s how it remained from August of 2009 through June of 2011 when I graduated. (Hooray!)

But instead of falling back into my creative endeavors, I did the opposite.

Now, yes, a break was needed. So, I told myself that it was perfectly fine to take a few weeks to decompress from the stress of it all. (And by decompress, I mean sit around doing nothing but watching TV in my pajamas. (And I may or may not have put on said pajamas as soon as I got home from work. (What?)))

After about a month, though, I realized that while I felt much more relaxed due to my nightly three-hour pajama-wearing TV time, I was slowly turning into a lifeless person with nothing to talk about but what so-in-so did on such-and-such TV show*. I had nothing to say about my actual life. (Except that work was fine, but busy.)

With that startling (and depressing) realization, I’ve been on a search for other things to occupy my time, and actually help me to improve my skills and interests as a person.

Now, don’t get me wrong, TV has taught me a few things that have added to my life, but by its nature, TV is passive. I observe. I don’t engage. But what I realized I was longing for was improvement by doing, by taking action, by living!

After this epiphany, I started setting parameters (because that’s how I am). I wanted to do something that wasn’t too hard, wasn’t too time-consuming (I still have shows to keep up with, after all), and didn’t cost a lot of money.

But, I wanted whatever it was to push me out of my comfort zone, challenge me creatively, and increase my daily joy.

All of this has been marinating in my head for the past month, and it wasn’t until last Monday night as I was contemplating my situation (which might have been while wearing my pajamas and during the commercial break of a well-known gossip show), I looked over to my bookcase and something caught my eye.


Eureka!



TO BE CONTINUED TOMORROW BECAUSE THIS POST IS ALREADY WAY TOO LONG…





*Part of my TV viewing was shows on the Documentary Channel. Do you have this? It’s fabulous! Next time you see me, ask me about some of the documentaries I’ve watched. I will regale you with stories about fascinating people: like people who stare at the sun for energy, or the boy who looked for his invisible girlfriend, or the Mountain Talk folk, or what luminaries of our time have to say about forgiveness, or… **

**On second thought, you may not want to ask me. I’ve counted up and in the last three months I’ve watched 27 documentaries. It might be best to keep that door shut.

On My Walk Today…

Jehovah’s Witnesses!


Hurray! The best walk ever!!*




*And I mean this sincerely. If you know me, you know there is nothing I like better than a good Jesus discussion, especially when said discussion is from good people trying to save my soul**! I was only sad that I couldn’t chat with them more, but I was on a break and had to get back to work…


**This reminds me of a post I've been meaning to blog about: my TV pastor! Cause I have one, and I watch him every Sunday. And I've even ordered his book and am on his one month program! I've got a bracelet to prove it and everything!***


***Don't worry, I'm not converting. I'm just trying to understand how people believe what they believe (or don't believe, for that matter). This gives me something to think about when I'm in nursery...

A Question that has the power to change our lives…

1) If you knew you could not fail, what dream of yours would you make come true?

I’ve been thinking about this question for weeks now. Fear of failure stops us from so much in our life, and it’s something I’m working on overcoming.

Now, I have a great life, don’t get me wrong. And over the last year I’ve incorporated a lot more of what I love (and used to fear) into my day-to-day. But, I want more!

So, I’ve been asking myself, if failure wasn’t going to happen, what would I do?

And now, I’m asking you the same thing…

Think of the possibilities!

Would you quit your job and start your own business?

Would finally write that novel? Paint that picture? Publish that poem?

Would you move to a completely different country?

Would you leave an unhealthy relationship?

Sell everything you own and travel the world?

Tell your secret crush that you love them?

Would you cut and dye your hair?



We only have one life!

Don’t let fear rule it…

A Random Thought… Really, Really Random…as in, What are you smoking, Liz?

We all have power.

We think we don’t; that we’re just victims of circumstance. Or of some past choice we made that we can’t escape from.

But that’s all a lie we tell ourselves.

And we tell ourselves this lie for two reasons: 1) we’re afraid of change, 2) we’re afraid to fail.

It’s that simple.

Now, as a responsible adult, you’ve made commitments that you shouldn’t break. Bills you’ve agreed to pay, tasks people are counting on you to accomplish, people you’ve covenanted to love, etc.

BUT, that doesn’t mean you can’t use the power within you to change your course. Circumstances don’t have to change for you to change!

The way I see my life from the way I saw it last year around this time is drastically different. And if we were sitting together on my couch, I’d tell you all about it over cocoa. But trust me, I see my world differently. And it’s WAY better!!

I want you to think of one more thing in regards to power:

Power = Perspective.

We get trapped in our perspective. We think that this is the only way to see things. It is our reality. But, our reality is not the Universal truth. And if it’s not Universal, it can be changed.

If you understand that, YOU can change.

I’ve been thinking recently about what “truths” I live by that aren’t Universal, and therefore, aren’t really true. And then, I’ve been trying to get rid of them and alter my reality (without the use of drugs, thank you).

And although it’s hard work, it’s SO liberating!

You should give it a try…

The Universe has my email address!

So*, every day I receive a message from the Universe.

No, I’m not talking about seeing words in puddles, hearing voices in the breeze, or anything else like that. And I’m not talking about receiving emails from Mr. Universe.

I’m talking about receiving daily emails from THE UNIVERSE.

Somehow, somewhere, I signed up on some site that sends me these emails.

Some of them I don’t agree with (theologically speaking).

Some of them I whole-heartedly advocate.

And some of them really make me stop and think about what I’ve been taught to believe, how I interpret what I’ve been taught to believe, what I actually believe, and all the in-between things that I have no definitive belief on or in. (Does any of that make sense?)

And since they give me pause, I thought I’d occasionally share one with you—to get you thinking and reflecting (or bored and leaving my blog, never to return—please come back!).

With that, here’s the first message I want to discuss (and I’m paraphrasing here):

You don’t need to worry. There is time for everything. You were before time, and you will exist after time. You have forever. There’s no dream you have now that you can’t achieve. There’s no challenge you now face that you won’t overcome. Therefore, there is no need to worry. Ever.

What do you think? Do you agree? Yes? No? Sort of?

Worry is a BIG thing for me. HUGE! I worry all the time about things that are absolutely ridiculous. And so I’ve been thinking about this message, and trying to figure out how to interpret it on a day to day basis.

You see, I agree with the statement. I DO believe I lived before this life and I will live after it. So, time really shouldn’t hold be back because I’m not trapped in it. But, I find myself stuck in worry. I’m not “in the moment” as they say. I’m always thinking about what if this happens, or what if that falls apart.

Do you have this same problem? Maybe it’s just me.

To combat this, I’ve been trying a new mantra: I don’t have to worry NOW.

And since it’s always “now,” I should never worry.

So far, it’s not working that well. But I’m trying.

Another thing this statement made me ponder on is time.

I often find myself saying “You too old to do that, Liz.” “It’s too late.” Etc.

And there are things in life that I’ve already made up my mind that I can’t do because I’m not in my 20’s anymore.

But, as with worry, maybe I’m wrong about that too.

Hmm…

Boy, I have a lot to learn, and a lot of hang ups I need to let go of.




*I’ve just realized that I start a lot of posts with “So.” I think because it sounds conversational. You know, like it’s just you and me, shootin’ the breeze and hangin’ out in my apartment. Very casual-like.

I Am a Childless Child of God…

So, I’ve been thinking of my spinster-ly status lately.

I think because I just had my 34th birthday and I’ve been feeling my age these last couple of days. (Most of the time, I don’t feel my age. I feel about 25.)

And I’ve been thinking about where I thought I would be at 34 and what I thought I’d be doing. (Don’t we all do this to some extent?)

And as you can imagine, I didn’t think I’d be doing the single and childless thing.

No, I thought by 34 I’d be almost done having kids. At the very least, I thought I’d be in the middle of having kids. I certainly didn’t think the closest I’d be to having kids was standing next to someone else’s!

For the most part, this hasn’t bothered me. I’ve loved continuing my education, exploring my artistic side, writing, traveling, deeply studying the gospel, and a host of other activities that I’ve done to create a fulfilling life.

I’ve had opportunities to serve, to love, to laugh, and, thanks to my nephews, to mother.

And I’ve rarely felt bummed at church.

I read a statement in a book by Sister Oaks that perfectly sums up my feelings. It was something like “I signed up for the WHOLE gospel, not the singles’ edition.” So lessons on families, marriage, or any other similar topic don’t offend me or make me sad. I know the church is true—even if at this time, it’s not all “true” for me.

But, there are times when I think of my younger self and all the plans I had of being a wonderful mother, and an awesome (and I do mean awesome) wife. And these times are hard.

And tears are shed.

And “Why not me?” is asked.

And the only thing that comforts me is the spirit whispering that my life is just as valid as the next; that I’m on the Lord’s errand, and that He’s proud of me.

This past Sunday was one of those hard times.

I was teaching my Beehives a lesson on their Divine role as women. I asked them what they thought that role was.

And how do you think they responded?

“To be a wife and mother.” Yep.

And then I asked, “Is that the divine role of all women?”

“Yes,” they answered.

And I followed that with “What about me? I'm not married, and I don’t have children. Does that mean I’m not fulfilling my divine role?”

Silence.




Yep, this Sunday was a tough one.

Would You Marry You?

So, I came across this article, and was surprised at my gut reaction to the question: No.

This response then prompted me to spend the last week (yes, week) asking myself “why?”

What did I find so wrong with myself that I wouldn’t even consider marrying me?

Am I that difficult?

Is that one reason why I’m not married right now?

Do I expect perfection?

Is that another reason why I’m not married right now?

And if I were married, would I be disappointed?

Is that a third reason why I’m not married right now?



Needless to say, this week has made me a little bummed…But, it’s also made me double my efforts in fixing my faults, and improving my talents! And, honestly, it’s made me grateful that I have the chance to do so.

This life is all about refining ourselves, right?

So, what do you think? Would you marry you?

The Power to Change…

“I am tomorrow, or some future day, what I establish today. I am today what I established yesterday or some previous day.” James Joyce

So, I’ve been thinking about this quote for days and days and days now*. James Joyce is speaking my language!

Anyone who knows me knows I talk about past, present, and future Liz, ALL THE TIME!

In my head, I’m always running a little dialogue about my choices and actions. I’ll give you an example that will make you feel grateful that you are not me:

“Present Liz, how will this help future Liz? It doesn’t. It’s only helping you. I know past Liz screwed you over by making that one choice that has now become a habit. Darn you, past Liz! But, present Liz, think of future Liz, and help her out. Stop right now! I mean it! Soon, present Liz, you’re going to be past Liz, and you don’t want future Liz, who becomes present Liz, to talk about you this way, do you? No! So knock it off future past Liz, or present Liz, whoever** you are!”

Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Liz, you are one crazy lady, and need help!” But thinking this way has helped me come to terms with past behaviors, and make the needed corrections.

We only ever have the present. And if you engage with it, you can change. Slowly, but surely, I’ve been re-writing myself, trying to make sure that what I’m establishing today will make me who** I want to be tomorrow.

It’s a long, daily process. And these last couple of months I’ve done some major transformations within myself. (This is part of the reason I haven’t done any thoughtful posts in a while.)

I don’t know if you’ve tried it, but changing the way you think is hard work. And I mean HARD!

To help me with this, I’ve been doing a lot of reading. And I mean A LOT!

Books on the mind, books on thinking, books on choices, books on living in the present moment, books on happiness, books on sadness, books on spirituality, books on life, books from religious teachers, books from regular people, LDS books, non-LDS books. And then with everything I’ve read, I’ve crossed referenced it with scriptures. It’s been very labor intensive, let me tell ya!***

I’ve learned SO much: about myself, about our minds, about our spirits, about the power of thoughts and words, about the universe, about the ability we have to change, about the reliance we have on God.

And if I’m with you long enough (and we’re not with a crowd), I’ll want to tell you everything I’ve learned!

Seriously.

Case in point: Last night, at Young Womens, we were interviewing the girls on their personal progress. And I had a sweet 12 year old who I talked to for about 20 minutes on “the power she has now to make herself the woman she wants to become, and how she needs to think of her future self when making choices. But that she should live in the “now” because now is the only moment we ever truly live. And she has the ability to interpret her past any way she wants, thereby creating a new present and future.” I think she almost poked out her own eyeball to get away from me! Poor girl.

I guess I’m saying all this to remind you that you are establishing your future at this very moment, and to warn you that the next time I see you, be prepared for the onslaught of information coming your way!

You might want to have something handy to poke your eye…



*I’ve wanted to post on this for weeks, but I haven’t done any “thinky” posts in a LONG time, and it made me nervous. Yes, nervous! Light-hearted posts are much safer and easier. They don’t really bare the soul, do they? But, I’m brave, and posting. So there.

**I’ve decided to forgo “whom” because it doesn’t sound natural even though it’s grammatically correct. And because of my English degree, I felt compelled to mention it. I’m torn between two worlds, folks!

*** This is why I’ve been failing on my book blog. I’ve been reading the books; I just haven’t had the energy to post on them. But, it’s my goal for next month!

School, oh, how I miss you!

[Warning: This is a long post as I reminisce about days gone by, while trying to drum up interest in my new idea. So, if you don't have the time, just scroll down about 2/3rds of the way and begin reading at "Here's my plan."]

Those of you who know me, might find the title of this post a little puzzling, because I complained about going to school the entire time I was in it (which means the entire time you’ve known me seeing as I was in school for about 50 years (at least it felt like 50, but I guess it was more like 27, which is still an incredibly long time and makes me feel like an old lady…)).

While I was in school, I was miserable. The exams, the professors, the students, the assignments, etc., I hated the whole lot of it. But, there was one thing I loved: good discussions!

Sometimes, (rarely, I’ll admit), I would be in a class and a conversation would start about whatever book/essay/short story/poem we were reading. Time would fly by as tons of interpretations and ideas were discussed. It was in these moments when I really learned, when my mind would begin to make connections between the symbolism in the novel and my own life, when something written by a stranger seemed like it was written for me.

These were powerful, life changing moments. And, I’ve missed having them.

It’s almost been a year since I stopped going to school, and it’s been nice. I’ve felt like I’ve been on vacation. To be able to leave work, go directly home, and do anything I’ve wanted for the remainder of the evening has been a treat.

I’ve read. I’ve composed songs on my guitar (don’t laugh). I’ve written a book and numerous poems. I’ve painted. (I’m going to finish your painting, Katie. I promise.) I’ve gone out with friends. Yes, I’ve had a glorious time.

But, I’ve missed having literary discussions. I’ve missed challenging myself.

So, I’ve decided to do something about it: I’m starting a literature group.

What’s a literature group, you ask? Is it like a book group? Well, sort of.

Let me explain…

In a book group, everyone decides on a book, reads it (at least most do), and then gets together to talk about it. But, they usually get side-tracked with other fun things to talk about and the next thing you know, the entire evening has gone by and you’ve barely even mentioned the title. Book groups are really fun, but not always a serious discussion about the novel.

A literature group differs in that way. It’s still supposed to be fun, but it’s far more focused on the intricacies of the chosen book. In this type of group you will talk about the symbolism, the structure, the tone, the character development, etc. This group is all about the details.

And this is the kind of group I want to start.

Now, I know by saying this, just about everyone reading said a loud “Ugh, I don’t want to be a part of that kind of group. It sounds boring and a lot of work.” Let me respond to that by saying “I promise it won’t be!”

You also might be thinking that you don’t want to be in that kind of group because you’re not the “literary” type. To that I say “Bah Humbug!” I’m not looking for English majors, or big readers, or deep thinkers, or any specific kind of person. (And, anyhow, you’d be surprised at how the right questions can prompt a whole flurry of thought.)

I’m looking for people who can read and can talk. So, that includes you!!

Here’s my plan. I have a book that’s all about reading. (You know how I love to read about reading.), and in it, the author has organized a chronological reading list in 5 areas (Novel/Autobiography and Memoir/ Histories and Politics/ Dramas and plays/ poetry).

I’m going to start with the Novel section, and work my way through the list. A lot of them I have already read (so, those I’ll just refresh myself on) and some I’ve never attempted. I was going to do this on my own (and still will), but then I thought I’d open it up to all of you in case some else might be interested.

And, hence, the Literature Group!

Now, this may not be your cup of tea. And I completely understand that. I’m a very systematic person, so I like things chronologically organized. I like analyzing what I’m reading. I like heated discussions about tone or symbolism or characters. And you may not. That’s okay. I’m not going to think any less of you if you’re not interested at all.

Also, you might have other things on your plate and the last thing you need is another assignment. Heaven knows all the things I had to turn down because I was so swamped with life.

But, if you are interested, and want to challenge yourself (and help me do the same) let me know!

I’m open to how we do this. We could meet in person every month, or we could use email. (Or both). I don’t even care if I don’t know you. This offer is open to strangers!

Or people who read my blog, but have never commented before.

Or, my grandma! (Hi, grandma!)

And just to give you an idea of what I’m going to be reading and discussing (even by myself), here’s the list of novels:

Don Quixote
The Pilgrim’s Progress
Gulliver’s Travels
Pride and Prejudice
Oliver Twist
Jane Eyre
The Scarlet Letter
Moby-Dick
Uncle tom’s Cabin
Madame Bovary
Crime and Punishment
Anna Karenina
The Return of the Native
The Portrait of a Lady
Huckleberry Finn
The Red Badge of Courage
Heart of Darkness
The House of Mirth
The Great Gatsby
Mrs. Dalloway
The Trial
Native Son
The Stranger
1984
Invisible Man
Seize the Day
One Hundred Years of Solitude
If on a winter’s night a traveler
Song of Solomon
White Noise
Possession


Now, I bet a lot of those you’ve already read, or have always wanted to read but have never gotten around to it.

So, think about it. But, no pressure, though.

Really, I’m fine doing it on my own. After all, I have my family I can bombard with my thoughts.

They’re used to it!!

“Wonder”-ful Wednesday

So, I’ve been thinking a lot about myself recently (surprise, surprise).

Mostly about how I constantly mess things up for myself. How I let myself down. How I’m not really nice to myself all the time. Yadda Yadda Yadda.

And as I was doing some reading (you know how I love to research things) on the “self” and why we’re so hard on it, I came across this quote:

Self-destruction is the effect of cowardice in the highest extreme. ~Daniel Defoe

Cowardice, huh?

I never thought of it like that. But, the more I’ve been reflecting on this idea, the more it rings true to me.

I’m self-critical to stop myself from taking chances!

That’s what I’ve been doing all along with my writing. I’ve really frozen myself with my judgmental attitude. I tell myself that I’m only saying what other people are thinking (and maybe some are), but really, it’s just a way to say “See, Liz, you shouldn’t even bother trying. You stink anyway!” And this, of course, keeps me from action.

It makes me a coward! And since I’m the only “self” I’ve got, this obviously affects me in the “highest extreme.”

So, what do you think? Do you see yourself as being a coward when you are self-critical?

Is your self-destruction stopping you from taking action? And if so, what are you going to do about it?

You’re the only “self” you’ve got, too!

Art, Accomplishments, and Aloneness

My mind works in weird ways as the title of this post suggests. One thing (seemingly unrelated) can connect to something else, and send me off the deep end of thought. So, keep that in mind as you read the rest of this post. I apologize in advance…
__________________________

As some of you may know, a couple of weeks ago I went to Solvang for Katie’s birthday bash. (I’d link to her blog if she had one—hint, hint, Katie!)

Tons of fun was had by all! Lots of laughing, shopping (I still have buyers remorse, FYI. I haven’t even taken the quilt out of the bag yet…), and delicious Danish dishes (say that 10 times).

One of my favorite spots we visited was a little art gallery. It’s owned and run by Chris Pavlov, and I was really impressed by his work (especially the trees done with a Sharpie). So, last week I googled him and found out more about his life and how he came to be in a place like Solvang.

Needless to say, he has quite a tale to tell. Born in Macedonia. Moved to Austria to live and work on his art. Met an American. Married her. And moved to California, eventually opening up his gallery by the age of 26.

Amazing!

As I learned more about him (in a non-stalker-ish manner), I began to reflect on my own life, and what I’ve done with it. And I’ve realized that I’ve not done much.

And this made me think of my singleness, and a reason that it’s a bummer: If I don’t do something, I having nothing to tell anyone about!

No husband’s work/school to mention. No kid’s achievement to bandy about. If I don’t do it (something, anything), then I’ve got nothing new to say.

It’s a lot of pressure, really.

And the more I’m trying to make something of myself, the harder it is. And the more I fear I’m not up to the task, and dread the next 30+ years of trying to come up with stuff to fill my life with meaning.

So, to distract myself from my own thoughts, I have a question for you:

If you’re married (with or without kids,) do you still feel that you need to have your own accomplishments, or do you use your spouse/children as some kind of success/achievement (which I feel you could not only because of the time dedicated to them, but also because you have a direct impact on what they do and how they do it)?

If you’re single, do you feel the pressure to be completing things, attaining goals, etc. so that you have things to tell people, and so you feel like you’re making use of your life?

“Wonder”-ful Wednesday

I don’t know if I’ve told you before, but I’ve dabbled in meditation for years.

I have tons of books on the subject. (You know how I am about reading, especially reading about doing something before actually doing it. That’s my favorite!)

I have a number of CD’s. Tons of incense which I love to light while meditating. (FYI: If you have a smoke detector in your bedroom, it cannot tell the difference between actual fire-type smoke and incense-type smoke. To the detector, it’s all the same. So, beware!)

I’ve been to a Buddhist temple where I was able to meditate in the “Room of a Thousand Buddha’s.” I’ve been to a Hindu temple where I was able to participate in group meditation. And I’ve been to an ex-Jesuit school for a retreat where I was able to take a class on meditation.

Overall, I love it! And recently, with everything going on in my life (what with me trying to “live the dream” and “be creative” and “pay bills”) I’ve rededicated myself to the practice.

For the last month, I’ve been doing the Metta Bhavana* for a half-hour during my lunch break. And it’s been wonderful! I’ve been able to still my mind (at least for a little while), feel more at peace with things in my life, and extend more “brotherly kindness” towards all (even my officemate, which is saying something).

And this leads me to this week's quote:

There is no need to go to India or anywhere else to find peace. You will find that deep place of silence right in your room, your garden or even your bathtub.

-- Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

In this world, there is not a lot of peace going around. And, I’m not talking about the fact that there is war, because a physical war is just a symptom of the spiritual war that is going on inside. After all, if people felt peace within, there would be no need for violence.

In a very real sense, peace equals contentment. You can’t have one without the other. And that’s one of the goals of meditation: to let go of desires (which brings dissatisfaction) and just appreciate the moment, because in the moment, you have enough.

For me, this connects heavily to religion and God. And fits quite nicely with how I view things. Meditation has helped me hear the still small voice, and has opened my mind to revelation. It’s been quite amazing actually. Meditation has become a kind of prayer for me (although I still pray the regular way as well). And as we all know, we can pray anywhere!

And that’s what I love about the quote by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. She’s right. You don’t need to travel anywhere for peace. You can find it in all the places she spoke of (or in a car during your lunch break, like me). You only need to stop, still yourself, and listen.

Now don’t think that meditation is easy. It’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. To keep your mind focused on one thing (or nothing, as the case may be) is difficult. I have to constantly tell myself not to get distracted by the passing cars, or the itch on my nose, or what I have to do later that day, or how my 401k is doing, or if Gilligan and the Skipper were in an unhealthy co-dependent relationship.

The mind will try to bring up all these things. That’s its job: to think. And what you have to do is try to ride out the thoughts. Let them come and go. And eventually you feel peaceful.

So, here’s my question to you: How do you find peace? I’m talking about literal peace in your soul. Peace that you feel. Peace that renews you. And I guess my follow up question would be: How can you make peace a daily thing? Right now! In your office/home/car.

Peace takes work. I know that sounds funny, but it’s true. Even peace in the gospel requires a turning to the Savoir, following His commandments, etc. Peace isn’t something that comes once, and then you have it forever. It’s something you have to cultivate. It’s something you have to look for every day.

And if you do, you not only help yourself, but those around you. So, take a minute, breathe, and feel the peace I’m sending your way. And then, send some back to me!



*If you want to know more about this kind of meditation you can go here for a brief synopsis, or here for a more thorough understanding.

“Wonder”-ful Wednesday

This week’s quote is one that I’ve kind of mentioned before. I love this quote. I’d almost say “I heart” this quote, but so many people are using that now that it makes me want to put a moratorium on it through the next century. (First digression: Seriously people. Stop “hearting” stuff already!)

Anyway, like I was saying, I really dig this quote. (Second digression: Can I bring “dig” back? No? Too soon? Give it another ten years for it to be retro enough? Okay.) When I first read it, I realized that I did the exact opposite of what it’s suggesting. I really think most of us do. But, before I continue with my treatise on the thing, here’s the quote:

“What a fool a [wo]man is to remember anything that happened more than a week ago unless it was pleasant, or unless [s]he wants to make some use of it.” --Samuel Butler

(I “ladied” it up since most of my readers are of the female persuasion and because I felt like it.)

Now, be honest. How much do you dwell? How much do you go over past mistakes, or missed opportunities just to make yourself feel crummy? How much time do you waste reminding yourself of how much time you've wasted?

I’m guilty as charged. (Third digression: I actually wrote “I’m quilty as charged” and didn’t realize it until I had already posted it. I wonder what being “quilty” is like. Maybe warm and snuggly?)

I’m trying to take Mr. Butler’s advice (Fourth digression: Hmm…that reminds me of another Mr. Butler. Dreamy…). I’ve been trying to only remember happy things, good things, fun things, positive things. And if an unpleasant memory bubbles up, I ask myself “Can I make any use of it? Is there anything I can do about it? Is there something I need to learn from it (aside from the fact that it was stupid or I was an idiot)? Is there any purpose to me remembering this whatever-it-is?

And if I can’t answer these questions with a definite “yes,” then I toss it. I say to myself “Liz, this thought is a useless thought, and you don’t need to waste your time or energy on it.”

Sometimes I have to say this to myself 20 times before it actually changes. But, it’s a learning process. You can’t change the thought patterns you’ve developed over decades in a few minutes. No, this is something you have to work on every day.

Now, don’t misunderstand. Samuel Butler isn’t saying that we should never remember the bad things. After all, that’s where a lot (most) of the lessons in life come from. But, he is saying that if we’ve learned from it, then let it go.

So, here’s your challenge: This week, try to alter how you remember your life. Reflect on the happy, good, fun things. Let those thoughts wash away your regrets or mistakes. Only you can do this for yourself. Only you can release yourself from your past!

Too Deep for Words

I’ve been mulling over a post on theodicy prompted by my experience at the hospital with Sara. Not surprisingly, I have a lot of conflicted thoughts on this topic.

And to be honest, I’m not even sure how to word it. So, I may or may not eventually post on it. I was going to, but really, I'm having a hard time with it right now.

It's been consuming my mind these last couple of days leaving me with nothing much else to say. If you have any thoughts on it, or ways that you reconcile the conflict, let me know in the comments.

Well, to make sure this post isn't a complete dud, I’ll leave you with something else that could be controvertial. Have you seen it? What do you think?

I’m not going to tell you what I think of it (at least not yet, but probably in the comments).

100 Reasons that I’m happy I’m single-- #64

To stick with my New Year’s Resolution to be more positive, I’ve decided to post reasons to be happy that I’m single.

But, I want to add, that I fully recognize that there are just as many reasons to be happy I’m married. However, since this isn’t my reality (marriage, that is), I’m just going to focus on “single” reasons to be happy. (I expect one of my married friends to handle the married reasons.)

I’ve come up with an extreemly long list of things. Some very light-hearted, and some not. This is not one of the light-hearted ones, but I’m going to start with it because it’s come up recently in my own life.

With that, Reason #64:

I’m happy I’m single because I don’t have to deal with my spouse being addicted to p*rn.*

I had a friend come to me with the news that she has just found out that her husband has an addiction to p*rnography. I’ve talked with her about this before, in passing, when we’ve discussed things that are bringing the world down. And I’ve mentioned that p*orn is something that the LDS church is fighting against.

She came to me to vent, but to also ask if I had any information that might help her (and her husband) deal with this. I, of course, immediately started hitting the church website looking for anything that might be helpful. I’ve found tons of talks, and also some links to other sites that deal with this problem.

One site that I came across for Mormon moms had this post.

As I read through all the anonymous comments, it just about broke my heart! Those poor women. Those poor men. What can be done? It makes me so angry that such good men can be brought down by this. And it makes me angry that because of shame and fear of judgment, women (and husbands) must suffer in silence.

I don’t know what I can do for my co-worker, except to be here for her. I told her that her husband wasn’t a horrible man. That many great guys have this problem. And that it’s something they must try to work through together.

I don’t know how I’d handle it, though, if it were me. I don’t think divorce is the answer in every case. But I do think it is in some. Right now, he wants to change, so she wants to help him. And I see that as a good sign.

For now, they are in my prayers. As are all who suffer from this addiction.

And I’m grateful that as a singleton, I don’t have to worry about this.


* Just in case you don’t know, I’m using the little * so my blog isn’t linked to icky sites.

Part II: Was there a Part I? Oh, yeah, last year…*

So, I’ve been pondering procrastinating this blog post for a while now.

Do you even remember what I said in Part I? Well, neither did I!

I had to re-read the whole thing just to remember that I didn’t remember anything about it.

But, after sitting dumbfounded for about an hour, I’ve finally come up with something.

So, on to my issues…

Oh, wait, what is the book? Well, it’s Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert**

The gist of the book (a memoir) is this: After going through a painful divorce and ending another relationship, the author decides to try to “find herself” (my words, not hers) by going to Italy to eat (live in the world), India to pray (leave the world), and Indonesia to love (find balance between the two).

Overall, a very interesting story, indeed. She’s a good writer, very funny. And I breezed through the book.

But, there were a few things that bothered me. In this post, I’m only going to talk about one of them—the main one.

You see, this book is just another in the long line of books Oprah has had on her show about “finding your path” or “uncovering your authentic self” or “following your spiritual guide,” blah, blah, blah.

I call it “Generalized Gospel.” You know, everyone’s path is different. No path is right or wrong. It’s all about spirituality without the bothersome task of actually having to believe in anything.

Now, don’t get me wrong. In a sense, I do believe everyone has their own path. But, I also believe in absolutes. And I believe that having absolutes is vital. Not individual absolutes, but universal absolutes. And that’s the place where I differ with the author.

The generic spirituality espoused by so many, bugs me. I mean, women who read this book were saying things like “This is my new bible.” And “I just flip to a page and I know that my spirit guide wants me to follow what it says.” And “You’re my Guru!”

After hearing comments like these, you can see why I had to pick up the book.

Now to be fair, the author only ever speaks for herself, of course. And I’m sure she didn’t realize what a fanatic following her book would create. So, it’s really not her “way” that’s the problem for me, it’s the fact that so many others have gone for it.

And as I was trying to figure out why so many people (mostly women—which is another topic/post, entirely) identified with her, I came to realize the answer: Because she had a real experience with the Divine Power. Because she found a connection greater than herself. And most importantly, because the message this divine experience taught her was that she was good, as is. No need to change anything, no need to adopt any hard standards that would compromise her true self, no need to do anything but just live.

Accept the Love the Universe has to offer, and live your life!

This is why people have flocked to her book (and so many others like it). It’s easy. It’s just another way of saying “God made dirt, so dirt don’t hurt.” In other words, God/the Universe/ Divine Power made me exactly the way I am, so I’m perfect exactly the way I am, and all I have to do is accept that.

In some ways, I agree with this. God is love. We are divinely created. We need to love ourselves. But, there is a point where self-acceptance crosses the line and soon stunts any growth in the person. Love becomes narcissism. And, in my mind, this happens when the love you have for yourself stops you from taking any responsibility for change. After all, there is no right and wrong. So, what is there to change (or restrain yourself from doing).

Maybe you’re okay with that. A lot of people are. But for me, it’s a scary world where nothing is wrong, everything is right, and if you speak up, you’re an “intolerant” idiot who can’t appreciate "diversity.”

Now, it’s entirely possible that I’ve read too much into the whole thing and my mind has lead me completely off base. In fact, knowing myself, that’s very likely. But, I just have to say what I think!

Do I believe God loves us, as is? Of course! But, does this mean that we don’t have to do anything to try to be better? Of course, not!

That’s like saying that because parents love their baby, as is, they don’t expect the baby to grow and take on more responsibility with age. That would be ridiculous! (And would create a child with a lot of problems.)

God loves us, but expects that as we know more, we do more. His love is always there, and He forgives us when we make mistakes, but He would be stunting our growth if He didn’t hold us accountable. And we can only be held accountable to absolutes. If what is required of me is not required of you, then God is not just. And that’s not a God I want to believe in.

Now, what are these absolutes, you ask? Well, that’s for another time.

Having said all this, and to wrap this whole post up before I go on another tangent, I liked the book. It made me think. And for me, that’s the sign of a book worth reading (whether I agree with it or not).

I thought it took a lot of guts for the author to leave all that she knew and try to figure herself out. It’s the whole maxim from Socrates “The unexamined life is not worth living.” I agree 100% with that. And I’ve tried to do that in my own life.

But, I also believe that with that examination comes responsibility, and an understanding that there are absolutes in this world. And that’s the hard part that I see most people ignore.





*I almost didn’t post this because I felt it was confusing, and therefore, a stupid waste of time. So, forgive me. This post was going to be twice as long, but I thought it would bore people to tears so, I kind of cut stuff out.

**You were right, Liz! (Not me, the other Liz) Also, if any of you are considering picking up this book, I offer a few caveats: First, there is some strong language (not a lot, but some). So keep that in mind. Second, she is very frank about things of a sexual nature (this doesn’t come up a lot, but when she talks about it, she talks about it).

Embarrassed Elizabeth Explains Everything (How's that for alliteration!)

Well, I have a confession to make. And I hope that once I do, you don’t think less of me and we can still be friends. Please, still be my friend!

Honestly, I wasn’t going to tell anyone, EVER, but I now realize that I kind of want to talk about it because it’s got me thinking (and you know how I am about that). So, despite my embarrassment (and a little shame), I’m going to tell you…

(deep breath) Here it is (sigh):

I’m reading a book I saw on Oprah!

There, I said it. (I'm a little shaken, but feel better getting it out.)

Now, let me add that the reason I’m embarrassed is not because I think Oprah has lousy taste (although some of her choices throw me for a loop). Truthfully, a lot of the books she’s had in her book club I’ve already read or had planned on reading.

It’s just that I hate going along with the masses. You know what I mean?

And I hate that people might see me reading a book she’s chosen (especially if it has the little “Oprah Book Club” emblem on it which I avoid like a sack of dead fermenting eels) and think that the only reason I’m reading it is because Oprah said so and I’m a mindless lemming.

Don’t get me wrong. Do I think it’s a good thing to get people all over the country, nay, the world (why limit Oprah’s power), reading?

Absolutely!

But am I afraid that some (i.e. a lot) might be reading it just because Oprah DID say so and they want to be a part of the “in” crowd?

Absolutely!

So this is all to say that never in my life have I read or thought of reading a book suggested by Oprah at the same time that everyone and their grandma is reading it, too.

But I am. So, there you go.

“Why, Liz, why?” you might be asking.

“Well, because of my big mouth, that’s why.”

You see, now that I’ve decided this coming year is going to be the “YEAR OF LIVING THE IDEAL LIFE AT LEAST A LITTLE BIT!™” I’ve had to inform some people in my office that although I’m not “technically” enrolled in school, I’m planning on auditing a few writing classes this semester, so I’ll be re-arranging my schedule.

This has lead people to ask me “Huh?” which caused me to briefly explain my “YEAR OF LIVING THE IDEAL LIFE AT LEAST A LITTLE BIT!™” plans.

And this caused a particular woman in my office to squeal (and I do mean squeal) “Oh, how exciting! This reminds me of a book I’m reading from Oprah.” At this, I should have feigned a seizure, but I wasn’t quick enough.

She went on to add “The author is going to be on Oprah today. I’m taping it, so I’ll bring it in so you can watch it tomorrow.” At this point, I should have said, well, anything to excuse myself. But, my mind went blank with horror because I realized I was trapped. I was going to have to watch it. (This co-worker would be deeply hurt and offended if I didn’t and I’m too nice a person to do that.)

Long story short (which I guess at this point is impossible), last week she taped it, brought it, I watched it, and got the book.

I’m consoling myself, slightly, because it’s not actually a book club book.

But, still, I’m embarrassed.

In the end (although I’m not completely done with it yet, but will be by the weekend), this book has given me a lot to think about. I don’t agree with the author on a number of things, but I’m always interested in how other people go about the journey of life, their search for higher meaning or purpose, and the way they connect to God.

“What’s the book?” you ask.


Part II coming next week, maybe, because it is Christmas, so I might be busy…

F.Y.I.

Did I tell you I adopted a child?

No?

Well, I did (sort of).

Here she is.

Her name is Lyka, she’s 7 and lives in the Philippines.

I adopted her from Children International after this organization came highly recommended from someone I trust.

I just wanted to do something more, you know. I mean, I pay my tithing and fast offerings, as well as contribute to the humanitarian fund, perpetual education fund, etc.

But, I’ve been looking for something else I could do. And since I don’t have any children of my own, I thought, why not help out a specific child whose cute picture I can look at!

And now I have little Lyka.

I’m telling you all this for one reason: In case you want to do it, too!

It’s less than a dollar a day.

So, think about it.

Commute Contemplation, Part II

Read Part I.

You see, I’m an all or nothing kind of gal. What does that mean, exactly? I’ll give you an example from my past: if I didn’t get an A on a paper, (even if it was an A- or B+) I felt like a failure. I might as well have received an F, because that’s how I felt. See, all or nothing.

That’s how I’ve looked at my life, and it’s a very unhealthy and depressing perspective—trust me.

What this means in the present (and what the little painter man taught me) is that although I can’t live my “ideal”, and can bring some of it into my “real.”

So, I’ve been asking myself:

What have I always wanted to be? Do?

How have I wanted to live, but haven’t because I thought/think it was/is impossible?

In the past when I've asked these questons, my stupid “all or nothing” thinking would bum me out because my ideal seemed like a pipe-dream and a waste of mental exertion.

But NO MORE!!

If I could live my ideal, I would be somewhere in Ireland, in a cute little cottage like this, and would be a full-time writer/ part-time university professor. That’s my ideal. And because it’s not very likely to happen (unless a wealthy Irish benefactor is reading this and thinks I’m fabulous), I haven’t even bothered attempting any part of the dream.

But that’s where I’ve been wrong.

So, what am I doing about it now? What part of my ideal am I carving into my mundanely real life?

Here’s what I’ve come up with:

1. I’ve decided to begin working with one of my professors on my poetry/short story portfolio this coming semester so that I can use it to apply to grad. schools for an M.F.A. in creative writing.

2. I’m going to create deadlines, charts, and programs for myself to keep on target. And tell others (i.e. you guys) about it so you will also help hold me accountable.

3. I’m going to get a new blog started that will be wholly dedicated to this effort. (I’ve done this, but haven’t posted anything yet. When I do, I’ll let you know (see #2).)

4. I’m going to start seriously revising poems to begin submitting them to literary journals.

5. I’m going to start a writing workshop group to help me. (Any takers?)

6. I’m going to begin attending readings and other writer-ish-type things to be inspired.

This is what I’m going to do in the New Year.

It’s going to be the “YEAR OF LIVING THE IDEAL LIFE AT LEAST A LITTLE BIT!™”

Will it be a success? I don’t know. But I’m tired of putting things off, being afraid of failing, and letting the only life I have slip away.

So, I’m now asking you, my friends, will you join me? Will you make this your “YEAR OF LIVING THE IDEAL LIFE AT LEAST A LITTLE BIT!™” too?

What have you always wanted to do? Be? Think about it, and decide to set some goals to make it a part of your life! (And if you need some friendly support, drop me a comment and I’ll become a monkey on your back!)

And remember my new motto: Start painting even if you’re standing in mud!