Friday, May 8, 2009

The Animal World is Conspiring Against Me!

On my walk yesterday…



Me: (Thinking to myself) “Man, that’s a HUGE dog in that yard!”

Taking a few more steps while having a flashback to the time when I was attacked by a dog*…

Me: “Wait. Did that dog just step on to the side walk? He’s not chained up?”

Taking a few more steps…

Me: “Uh-oh, he’s in the street, now. What do I do?”

Taking a few more cautious steps…

Me: “Okay, he’s on the other side of the street. Don’t panic! Just keep walking. Stay your course, Liz!”

Taking a few more steps…then stopping with dread…

Me: “Dang!! I think he sees me!!!! Do I run? Will that cause him to chase me? What would Cesar Millan do? No, no…I must remain dominant! Keep walking, Liz!”

Taking a few more HESITANT steps…

Me: “HOLY CRAP!! He’s running to me!!!!!!! He’s gone feral!!!!!!!!”

Stopping in panic as the Rottweiler JUMPS ON ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me: (saying out loud while trying not to lose control of my bowels) “Ahg!!!!! Crap!!!! Get off!!!!”

Stepping back so dog falls off my chest…

Me: (Looking down at the muddy paws on my white shirt) “Really!”

Taking a few more steps forward to try to get AWAY from the dog…

Me: (saying out loud) “Stop licking my hands!”

Taking a few more steps while noticing that the dog is bleeding from his ear…

Me: (Thinking to myself) “Is there blood on my pants?”

Taking a few more steps, realizing the dog is FOLLOWING ME!

Me: “Great. Now what do I do? Clearly he’s injured. But, I have office responsibilities. I can’t hide him in my cubicle…”

Taking a few more steps with the dog by my side…

Me: “I’ll just ignore him. He’ll go away…”

WALKING AN ENTIRE BLOCK WITH THE DOG BY MY SIDE, LICKING MY HANDS…

Me: “Crap.”

Continuing to walk when I notice a mother (giving me the stink-eye) and two little kids…

Mother of Kids: (In a rude tone) “You should really keep your dog on a leash!!”

Me: (Not knowing how to respond without going into a diatribe) “I know.”

Walking ANOTHER block with the dog by my side, NOT licking my hands because I’m holding them up (and looking stupid)…

Me: (Thinking to myself) “How am I going to get rid of him?”

Taking a few more steps, and seeing a stick…

Me: “Maybe if I chuck this stick?” picking up stick and throwing…

RUNNING AROUND THE CORNER AS FAST AS MY CHUBBY LEGS CAN CARRY ME (WHILE THE DOG RUNS IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION)…

Me: (heart palpating from physical exertion and mental stress) “Please don’t let him follow me!”

Walking as fast as I can towards my office while looking over my shoulder for the dog…

Me: “Maybe he’s not coming! Yes! My stick throwing diversion worked!”

Still walking as fast I can towards my office while looking over my shoulder for the dog…

Me: “He was kind of a cute dog…maybe I could keep him? What would Flo*** say?”

Entering my office out of breath, covered in muddy paw prints, hair frizzled, and sorta wishing I had a dog…

Me: “I think I’d name him Stanley.”




*I was five, and coming home from kindergarten when I was pinned in the middle of the street by a huge** vicious dog. A neighbor lady witnessed the attack, came to rescue me, and took me to my mom.
**Okay, it was a dachshund. But, HUGE to a scared five-year-old girl!
***My little old lady apartment manager.

4 comments:

Heath said...

What the...The animal world really is out to get you! ...It's like you are taking walks in the wilderness or something, are you sure you're in a city?

Ms. Liz said...

Oah - he was trying to play! I was attacked by a dog once too. I got pinned against a tree as a 7 year old by a very nasty pit bull. I made myself get over it by volunteering at the Human Society and re-domisticating abused dogs. Giving them positive people experiences.

I still experience random shooting pangs of panic when I pass a yard and see an animal hanging about but he sounded like a friendly dog. And dogs know things. They can sense when someone is a good person. They feel vibrations. Thats what inspired Brian Wilson to write "Good Vibrations" even. You're a Beach Boys song! Lame on the mud prints though. And dog blood - kind of disturbing.

Laura said...

Well, you already know about my bird story for the day...but my mom just called and my niece, Reagan, was in the ER this morning because their new puppy bit her ear!! She had to have 5 shots, and 6 stiches! When I talked to her, I couldn't understand most of it but she did let me know "it was pretty bad, and I was bleeding pretty bad". So much drama!! So, the dogs in Texas are also out to get little girls with ringlets!!

Empress of Venus said...

This made my eyes squirt water ,in the laughing way.