Friday, May 30, 2008

Friday Fluff

Dear People of the World,

What is wrong with you? Put the phones down.


Best Regards,



Do you know a fella who needs a little help with his manliness?

Well, never you fear, there’s a website to fix that!

So, check this out, and soon your guy will be able to do all sorts of manly things, like “break down a door” or “write a love letter like a solider” or “survive a bear attack.”



Oh, and there’s only two more weeks until my surprise Friday the 13th event!

Are you excited?


Now, I’m not going to tell you what it is until next Friday, but I’ll give you another hint*…

So, put this clue with the one I gave you last week, and see if you can figure it out!

(*It has nothing to do with Rhoda, or Valerie Harper, but it DOES have something to do with what she’s wearing (and the time period). And no, you don’t have to wear a head scarf to the party, but you would get extra cool points if you did!)

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Today's my Friday, so here’s a little fluff!

Can you see this sweeping the nation?

Me neither.

I mean it’s cool and all, and I would probably visit the restaurant if I were in town.

But it seems like a lot of work just to get me my chicken cutlets two minutes faster. Don’t you think?


I’m thinking of adding this to my husbandy list. I mean, he should try to rescue me, right?

Although, maybe instead of a croc, I’ll just tell him he has to save me from the onslaught of newspaper sellers that accost me when I leave a super market.

I’d love him forever if he did that!


And lastly, I just wanted to remind you all to save Friday, June 13th. You are, right? You’ve cleared your schedule and are planning on coming to my place, right? It’s only 3 weeks away!

Although, please remember that I’ll be getting back from my exciting (Can you hear my sarcasm?) business trip to Reno that day.

So, I’ll probably want to regale you all with stories of my adventures into “Ethical Standards and Application Process” or “Federal Methodology and Calculations.” (I’m getting the chills just thinking about how much fun I’m going to have. Like Christmas…)

But, I will be looking forward to seeing all of you that night!

“What are we doing, Liz?” you ask eagerly.

Do you want a little hint?

Okay, here you go!

(Oh, and I posted on my book blog. Did you forget I had one? Yah, me too...)

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Note to Future Husband

Being an old spinster (Is that redundant?), I’ve had plenty of time to think about things in my daily life that I don’t want to do if, no when (trying to be positive), I get married. I think that’s one of the problems of being single longer and living on your own. You know what you like, what you don’t like, and what you won’t compromise on. (At least what you think you won’t compromise on. (You’ll understand what I mean by this when you get to the end of this post.))

So, in the spirit of full disclosure, I've decided to continue with my "list of 5 things." This time focusing on 5 things my hubby would need to do. You’ll notice that some of the more husband-type jobs like “take out the trash,” “mow the lawn,” and “kill spiders” are not included. I feel those are givens in a marriage, and he should already be prepared to do them.

This list is just going to include things that he might not know fall into his domain…

Five things that my husband will need to do (to make me super happy, and thus, himself happy (because if I'm not happy, he'll have a hard time (not that I want to be difficult, but still, I have some requirements (Just as he should)))):

1. Picking avocados. (I’ve already discussed why in my previous post.) Actually, there’s a lot of produce I’m not good at choosing. So, I’ll probably put him in charge of all the fruit and veg selection. For example, I’m terrible at selecting kiwis, tomatoes, melons of any variety, and squash. If he doesn’t want to be in charge of this, then he must sign a waiver that he will never, EVER complain about the quality of produce I bring home, or that it was a waste of money because it wasn’t even edible. (And I'm serious about the signed waiver. I'm going to laminate it and put it on the fridge.)

2. Grocery shopping. Well, since I already want him to pick out the produce, he might as well do all the shopping. Mostly, because I hate grocery shopping. ( I feel there are too many choices, and I can’t ever decided and then the next thing you know it’s been 40 minutes and I’m still in the bread aisle reading all the labels. Stupid high fructose corn syrup! It’s in everything!! A pox upon you!!!) If he would do the grocery shopping, I would agree to never put any feminine hygiene products on the list. (Even though I would think he was a dork for being embarrassed to buy the stuff.) But, I’d make that compromise. (Oh, and remind me to tell you about the time my dad went to buy lady items for me, my sisters, and my mom. Hilarious!)

3. Allow me to sing songs to fall asleep. I do this often. (And I say “allow” not because I need his permission, but because I’m assuming we’ll be in the same room, and show tunes can be disruptive.) I have a hard time sleeping, and singing helps for some reason. (I think because it stops me from pondering. Once I begin pondering, I'm done for!) He would need to be understanding of this, and not make fun of me when I have to change keys in the middle of my rendition of “Sunrise, Sunset.” Besides, I'm sure he'd rather hear me sing a few songs, then keep him up all night as I talk about my interpretation of Jesus' "Sermon on the Mount" or how I feel about wax paper used as art.

4. Washing the dishes. I HATE WASHING DISHES! And I know about dishwashers, but I still feel you have to semi-wash before you put them in the dishwasher, and this annoys me. But, the only thing I hate more than semi-washing dishes is unloading the dishwasher and seeing all the junk that has now permanently hardened onto the cutlery. I detest that. So, he’ll have to wash. (I suppose I could compromise if he wants to cook some nights. But, if I cook, I won’t wash. I’m not a hired hand.)

5. Car stuff. My whole life I’ve had car problems. I’ve had blow-outs, stalls, semi-truck rubber from tires embedded in my grill (a HUGE piece), over-heated engines, rocks smashing glass, spins into oncoming traffic, batteries dying, green stuff leaking out everywhere, windows not rolling down, windows not rolling up, doors not opening, doors not closing, flat tires, shaking, swerving, and just about anything else you can imagine. All of this crappy car experience has made me a professional at handling problems. But, I don’t want to do any of it once I get married. I just want to call him and say “Hon, I’ve left the car on the 10 freeway. Deal with it.” (Oh, and just as a reminder, if you have to leave your car on the freeway blocking one of the lanes, ALWAYS leave a note explaining that you’ve gone for help. Police officers do not appreciate finding an abandoned car causing a traffic jam. Trust me.)

Well, there you have it. The first five things on my list! I have about 15 more, so I’ll probably post on this again.

Having a list this big makes me a little worried that I’m never going to find anyone to fit the bill. And what’s interesting to me is that the older I’ve gotten, the more the list has changed. (It’s gone from things like “be a returned missionary” to “does not spend the majority of his income on entertainment.”)

It makes me a little sad to see how cynical I’ve become as I’ve noticed more and more that women do a lot, if not most, of the compromising. Not in every marriage, of course, but many.

This is actually part of one of the more reflective posts I have coming up. So, all you married and single people, start thinking about either the relationship you’re in, and/or one’s you’ve observed, and get ready for a conversation on marriage, women, and feminism. (And not crazy feminism, just helpful kind.)

‘Cause, it’s a comin’!

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Confession Time!

I have two very ponder-ish posts coming up. (Full warning!)

So, I’d thought I’d keep this week light and fluffy to off-balance the upcoming deep thoughts.

With that, here are…

Five Things I’m not good at:

1. Picking avocados. (They’re always weird inside. Not hard, but discolored and looking rotty. I always select more than I need because I know half of them won’t be edible. If I ever marry [silent prayer to the heavens], picking avocados will be his job.)

2. Driving with the Spirit. (As soon as I enter the car, the anger at my fellow man rises exponentially. I’m not one to curse, but I get darn close! (Sometimes, too close.))

3. Taking compliments. (I always assume someone’s just being polite (i.e. lying) or they want something from me.)

4. Small-talk. (I hate it. And this is why I also hate large gatherings/parties. All you can really ever do at those occasions is small-talk. I much prefer intimate groups where you can really discuss some deep ideas. Really, I feel small-talk is a waste of my time.)

5. Calling people back. (I’m really sorry about this one. Really. I hope I haven’t offended any of you by not returning your call. It’s just, I hate the phone. More specifically, I hate leaving messages. I get really panicked about it. Seriously. I’m very self-conscious about my messages. (And I know what you’re going to say “Liz, I love your messages. They crack me up!” But, you’ll have to look back at #3 to see why I don’t agree with you.))

So, there you have it! Just a small sampling of my many weaknesses/foibles/neuroses.

I know you have some. (We all do.) Maybe you should do a post on five of your own?

Or, drop me a line in the comments and share one!

Monday, May 19, 2008

A Snapshot of My Saturday

You ever have a day when nothing really went wrong, per se, but the things you had to do were somehow complicated by outside forces?

Let me give you an example of what I’m talking about.

On Saturday I had a 40-minute window to do my grocery shopping for the week.

(1st digression: Must I ALWAYS pick the squeaky jerking cart? Really? Every time? I see other people with their carts smoothly sailing through the aisles, while I shake, shudder, and swerve my way through the store like I’m having an epileptic fit.)

I rush through the store, wobbling as I go, and make it to the check out in 25 minutes. (2nd digression: Anyone else hating grocery shopping? Or is it just me?)

I pay for my stuff, and head to my car. I now have ten minutes to drive home, and haul up my groceries before I have to leave.

Now, here’s where a simple task is complicated.

I get to my place, and just as I’ve loaded up my arms with all the bags they can hold (Gina can testify that I load myself up pretty darn good!), and start to make my way to my apartment, a bug flies into my mouth and hits the back of my throat.

Under normal circumstances, a person would use a finger to try to get it out, but I couldn’t actually lift my arms because of the weight of my produce. So, I do the next best thing, I spit.

I spit big time! (Because the bug was way in the back. (Am I over sharing?))

And where did I spit?

You guessed it.

Directly into my groceries!

(Everyone say “gross” with me.)

Once I got into my apartment, I then had to spend an extra 10 minutes I didn’t have, carefully going through each bag because I couldn’t remember which one I spit in to.

The lesson I learned from this: next time, eat the bug. It’s high in protein anyway.

Friday, May 16, 2008

Definitely NOT Friday Fluff

So, I made trainee cry yesterday.

Yes, cry.

It wasn’t intentional. It’s not like I yelled at her, or even spoke harshly. I didn’t tell her she stunk, or was lousy, or made me want to slice my throat with a letter opener.

No. I did none of those things.

But, I did say that it’s been over two months now, and soon, I’m not going to be able to do 70% of her work, nor review everything she does to check for errors. I told her that she will need to increase her speed in order to handle her workload and that if she can’t, we’ll have to come up with a plan because again, I can’t keep doing it. I have my own job.

And after I left, she started crying. And her officemate called in the assistant director of my department to handle her tears.

And eventually, it came back to me. “What more can you do, Liz, to help trainee?”

“Well, since I’m doing more than half of her work already, I’m not sure.”

“Let’s meet in my office on Monday to form a proactive plan.” says the asst. director.

“Okay.” I say, trying to now hold back my own tears. (I hate futile meetings.)

Later, trainee apologized to me and said she was really embarrassed to have cried. She just felt overwhelmed. I can understand that. I’ve felt (and feel) overwhelmed often.

But, I still do my job.

I don’t know. I’m just exhausted from having to deal with it all…

On a unrelated note, I’ve decided dreams are for ninnies. (Yes, ninnies.)

And I’m no longer going to have any.

I’m just going to be practical and boring.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Q: How do you know you’re too tired to go to work?

A: Once you get there, you spend half the day with your shirt on inside out.

Friday, May 9, 2008

Friday Fluff? Sort of...

Five Annoying Things about Yesterday

1. I had a squeaky shoe. A really squeaky shoe. An I'm-not-walking-unless-I-absolutely-have-to squeaky shoe. (And it was a horrible squeak, not a little funny one.)

2. I had a song stuck in my head the WHOLE DAY!!! (Which song, you ask? “Africa” by Toto. I almost had to kill myself.)

3. I was called, about 64 times, by my trainee asking me things we’ve already been over 64 times. “Did you double click?” (I don't know why she keeps forgetting this.)

4. I got a bloody nose while I was talking to a coworker. It was incredibly random and incredibly embarrassing.

5. I had a headache.

One Wonderful Thing about Today

I don’t have a headache!!!! (Which makes me happy because I was afraid I had an aneurysm or something.)

Thursday, May 8, 2008

Headache 2008

This is day 6 of my headache.

Now, it feels like I have a really tight rubber band around my head. Not debilitating, but enough to make everything else in the world seem like crap and not worth the effort.

And this worldview has made me alter all my plans this week, including my goal to write an incredibly witty and insightful blog post.

But, I did want to mention that my surprise on June 13th might have to change to the 14th.

I’ve just found out that I’m being sent on a week-long business trip, and won’t be returning until the 13th. At this point, I don’t know my flight plans, and I’d hate to have the surprise without me!

When I get more details, I’ll let you know*.

*And in case you’re interested (probably not), it’s a solo business trip in Reno. I think I’m going to take this opportunity to get myself involved in a little debauchery**.

**Who am I kidding? Got any good book suggestions? I’m going to have a lot of alone time, sitting in my dorm room at UNR.

Monday, May 5, 2008

Sigh... A Monday Morning...

So, I've had a headache since Saturday.

Yesterday, I thought my brain was exploding.

This morning, I think there are small men inside my scull trying to chisel out a miniature Mount Rushmore.

And this has caused me forget my cell phone as I dragged myself to work.

It's not like tons of people call me. (I mean, it's a red letter day if one person calls me.)

But, it's always times like this when on the way home from work my tire explodes. And I have to push my way past nefarious characters to get to a pay phone, which is sticky, and I feel like I need to bleach my entire body just to get the "city" off me.

Here's to hoping that doesn't happen...

Happy Monday!

Friday, May 2, 2008

A brief Friday Fluff moment (because I'm currently having a nervous breakdown due to my trainee...)

First, did you guys hear about this?

Ew! And also, awesome!

Second, did you read about this?

Ew! And also, awesome!

Third, did you see this?

Cute! And also, awesome!

Well, that's all I've got the mental energy for*.

See you next week!

*Could you please all pray that my trainee catches on soon. Seriously. She's killing me...

[Oh, and I hope all of you who live close to me will save Friday, June 13th. I have a surprise for you and I'm giving you 6 weeks notice!!!!!]

Thursday, May 1, 2008

Question: How Many Cats is Too Many?

Or, maybe the better question would be: Are there ever too many cats?

My trainee has 9 cats.


What in the world?!

I didn’t even know what to say when she told me.

But, I thought “Well, that explains a lot!”

And then I thought “Liz, you are a very un-Christ-like person and should repent.”

And then I thought “Okay, you’re right. I’ll start tomorrow.”


I found out she had nine cats because she came in to work with a bazillion mosquito bites.

And I said “What did you do last night? Sleep out on the open plains?”

She then explained that her husband jimmy rigged an outdoor enclosure off the master bedroom window, so her cats could go outside, but not wander away.

They’re all indoor cats.

Can you imagine?!