Thursday, September 20, 2007

A Morning of Mini Open Letters

Dear Carpool Mandate from the University,

I hate you!

A pox upon you and yours,

Dear Rain,

Keep up the good work. Let’s stick it to global warming.


Dear Semi-New Car,

How do your windshield wipers work? It’s raining.

P.S. Don’t break again.

Truly yours,

Dear Fancy Dressed Lady Going in to IHOP,

You have intrigued me. What’s your story?

Do you have a fancy dressed ball to go to after you have your pancakes? Or, did you think “I never get to wear this dress. To Ihop it is!”? Or are you a crazy homeless person like the tuxedo guy who sat next to me on the bus that one time?

You are an enigma.

With awe,

Dear People with Vanity Plates,

Thank you.

Your plates give me a personal moniker with which to yell at you with for driving stupidly.

Earnestly yours,

Dear Pant’s Zipper,

Don’t be broken. I still have 8 hours to go at work and I don’t know how to fix you. Besides, you are in my only pair of perfectly colored brown pants. Do you know how long it took me to find you guys?

Please fix yourself.

Thank you,

Dear Lips,

Why didn’t you remind me that I only had time to line you before I left my apartment? We’re a team, Lips! There is no “I” in face.

When one of us is embarrassed, all of us are! I spoke to three co-workers before one of them said anything.

You really let me down.


Dear Hair,

Yes, I know it’s raining. And yes, I know that makes you frizz up into a huge puff ball. But, I’ve put A LOT of product in you to try to combat this, and I’m holding you back with a headband.

So, please, try to behave. Let’s not have a Mr. Kotter day again.

With heartfelt thanks,

Dear Computer,

What did you do with my desktop icons? Are you playing a game of hide and seek that I am unaware of?

Look, I know we haven’t been on the best of terms lately. But, I’ve been trying. Really, I have. I even made your password “Love” to instill fellowship-ness.

You are now forcing me to call the I.T. department. And you know that always lowers my self-esteem.

Please hold up your end of the deal.



Dear First Floor Unisex Bathroom,

Who is in charge of making sure you have toilet paper? That person has failed and should be dismissed.

Also, who designed you? Your paper towel dispenser is incredibly far away from the toilet, so if one was to have a toilet paper emergency, it is not conveniently located as a back-up.

Thank you for your time.

Disgruntledly yours,


Heather said...

Dear Liz,
I Love you. You definately made me smile today--several times!

Rachel said...

You are such a Model Citizen for writing all of these letters. And for making me laugh like a loon on loon pills.

Katie said...

I went into the grandpa laugh -- I know, it's easy for all of us. But it helped ease the horrible stress of the day! Thanks.

Maralise said...

Liz--more please?

Emily M. said...

These are hilarious. Thanks!

P.S.: Liz, did you get my email yesterday?