Friday, October 26, 2007

Friday Fluffly Letters

As a pre-emptive disclaimer, this is a really long post. So, if you don’t have the time, just scan the boldfaced type and read the letter that applies to you.

Dear People from Countries who visited me once (for about 3 seconds) and have never come back,

Was it something I wrote? Or something I didn’t write?

Or was it that you don’t know English so you couldn’t read anything?

I know you probably came to me by mistake. But, how do I get you to come back? What were you looking for? I can accommodate, really, I can.

I just want you to like me. Please like me, people from Argentina, China, Mexico, Australia, and France.

Pretty please. If you come back to me, I’ll bake you something and send it to you.

I promise it will be delicious.

Your future BFF,

Liz

Dear People from Countries who visited me more than once but have never commented,

First, thank you for coming to see me.

Second, thank you for coming to see me again. And again.

I really appreciate it! You make me feel so international and fancy. I love you for that.

But, could I just ask you one favor? Please comment.

Just say, “Hey.” Or “Way to go.” Or even, “You stink. But I find myself continuing to visit you just to remind myself how much you stink which makes me grateful I’m me and not you.”

So, you from Canada, Spain, Italy, Austria, and United Arab Emirates, please comment something.

You know you want to.

Your new BFF,

Liz

Dear People from Countries who visit me weekly (or, in other words, Dear Person from Singapore),

I hope I don’t come off too strong, but let me just say that I love you. I really do.

You come to see me just about every week, and it makes my day when I see your IP address. You intrigue me, person from Singapore, and I’ve made up entire life stories about you.

Here are just a couple of them:

1. You are an old friend of mine who is now an Expat. You started a small convenience store somewhere in Singapore after you got stuck there with a student visa. You stumbled upon my blog and it reminds you of the good ‘old days we use to share at Levi Dickey elementary school. You’d love to comment on my blog, but are afraid that I’d then want to come to Singapore and be your assistant while I pursue my future career of travelogue writer (which you would be correct).

2. You are an international spy whose cover is that you’re a Singaporean high school student who dreams of coming to the States. To support that, you spend a lot of your time visiting stupid American blogs so you can seem “in the know”. What you don’t know, though, is that I’m not in the know, so what you think you know from what I know, you don’t. But, luckily, you’re a professional, and can kill a person with a thumb tack, so you don’t really care. It’s just all in the name of getting the job done.

As you can see, person from Singapore, I think about you a lot. So, if you can (and it won’t blow your cover) drop me a line.

Your American BFF,

Liz

Dear Majority of People who visit my Blog (meaning, People from the U.S.),

Thank you.

You are the bulk of my readership and you hale from Virginia to Louisiana to Montana and New Mexico, and many states in between.

I know I know some of you. You are my real friends, and I love you for visiting me (and try to always reciprocate). It’s one of my favorite things to know that you’re interested in what goes on in my day or in my head because I feel the same way about you!

But, I must say that I don’t know all of you (namely, those from the states I’ve mentioned). I love you just the same for coming to see me, but could you give me a clue as to why you stop by.

I only ask so that I can make sure that I don’t lose you. I don’t want to seem needy or anything, but I love thinking that I have gazillions of friends all over the United States who would love to have me pop over for a visit.

So, leave me a comment, people I don’t know (or don’t know I know), and I’ll reciprocate.

Your BFF,

Liz

Dear People from an Unknown Country,

I have a few theories as to why my stat tracker can’t identify where you’re from. Let me know which one is correct, okay?

First, you are actually “the Man” and are monitoring my blog in case you have to send a sniper to take me out if I divulge some unknown secret you had implanted into my head when I went for my vaccinations as a small child.

Second, you are from a little undiscovered island in the South Pacific and although you have internet service, and other modern conveniences, you have kept yourself hidden. The only contact you have with the outside world is through my blog (which is very sad).

Third, you are from the City of Enoch, and are hovering unseen somewhere over the earth. Because of your super righteousness, you can access the internet with your mind, and you like to amuse yourself by reading my blog and are stunned by the amount of time I waste on trivial things.

Fourth, you are part of the lost 10 tribes, and are in a dimensional shift that takes place in the Bermuda Triangle. You occasionally like to visit blogs, see what insanity we’re up to, and monitor when might be the right time to return. You have not read anything on my blog that indicates the world is ready for further enlightenment.

So, there you have it, people from an Unknown country. Am I close?

Not your BFF because you kind of freak me out,

Liz


Addendum:

Dear Person from Greece,

You visited my blog when I was posting this post, so I didn't mention you. But I don't want you to feel slighted.

So, hi. Please come back. I love all your anceint ruins.

Your Possible BFF,

Liz

5 comments:

Teri said...

Nice Blog :}

Laura said...

Lizzie -

This is why we love you so much!! I can't wait to hear if any of your theories were correct - or if you hear from any of these people. Keep us posted!!

person you don't know said...

Virginia answers your call.

Although it appears that you live in SoCal, I will overlook that fact and say that I would love to have you pop over for a visit.

Eddie said...

Dear BFF Liz,

Hi, Virginia here. Apparently Virginia II.

I followed a link from a comment you left on one of the "big" blogs. You're a great writer with a great sense of humor. Two qualities that many bloggers lack.

Silvs said...

I'm back...the "ask a" thing got me looking over your whole blog, so that's why I'm here.

I love it here by the way. I feel like you're one of those people that I want to be best friends with only because I think your blog persona (which is probably the same as your real persona) is so cool. Anyway, hopefully I'll be around more often.