Wednesday, August 15, 2007

My Curse

So, this morning my car didn’t start.

“What?” you say in disbelief and horror, “Didn’t you just get a new car, Liz? And less than a month ago?”

“Yes, yes I did, concerned friend. In fact, as I’ve mentioned before with ecstatic glee (yes, glee), it’s the first car I’ve owned that was made within the current decade. A big step up for me.”

“Oh, Liz,” you say with a sigh, “I’m so sorry about your curse.”

“Me too.” I reply with resignation.

Really, I can’t talk about it without a slow feeling of rage/dread/hopelessness beginning to grow.

So, to suppress those feelings and look on the Brightside, I’ll share with you, my friends, a few of the many tips I’ve learned from my constant and crappy car trouble.

Rule Number One: When your tire explodes, and you begin to careen to your death, you are not to:

a) flail your arms about to passing vehicles (they can see you are in trouble, and you should really hold on to the wheel while swerving),

b) continue to drive hoping you can make it home (you can’t, and the damage will be much worse), and

c) drive into a ditch (it only makes things worse when the tow truck guy comes).

Rule Number Two: When your car decides to stop working while driving on the freeway, and stalls in the slow lane and you have to leave it in said slow lane (because you can’t pull on to the shoulder because there is no shoulder due to construction) you should:

a) climb out of the passenger-side window, even if you are a chunky girl and are afraid of hurting yourself or getting stuck,

b) carry a pair of tennis shoes in the car because climbing down the side of a hill, over a little stream, and walking through the wilderness that magically appeared on the side of the freeway is hard to do in sandals, and

c) always leave a note on the car so that the police officer (who will eventually come) will know that you are not some nut who left your car to cause an accident, but actually went for help (despite your need for a Sherpa to navigate the landscape).

Rule Number Three: When your car spins out of control and you end up facing the wrong direction, (and can see cars coming to kill you), you should:

a) pray,

b) make peace with God, and

c) try to start your car and drive away.

And here’s a bonus tip.

Tow Truck Small Talk:

If you’re lucky, your tow truck driver will have music on blaringly loud and all conversation can be avoided. All you’ll have to do then is stare out the window as if you’re contemplating the meaning of life, or riffle through your purse like you’re looking for a missing gold nugget. (You want to appear like you’re doing something very important so that he doesn’t decide to strike up a conversation.)

If you’re unlucky, and you have a Chatty Cathy driver, then just answer his questions as succinctly as possible. And if he offers advice on your vehicle, just nod your head and agree with him. Some safe questions you can ask him (Or her, I suppose it could be a her. But in my extensive experience, it has only been a him.) are as follows: “How long have you been a tow truck driver?” That’s it.

Well, there you go friends! If my suffering can help even one of you, then it’s all been worth it!

No, actually that’s not true.

I’d gladly hand over my curse to any one of you; I’ve had my turn with it.


Mz. Liz said...
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Mz. Liz said...

Those magical appearing wildernesses are rather bothersome aren't they? I hate it when they do that.

Rachel said...

Liz, no! Your new car! Curses. The thought of having car problems again makes me a little queasy. It takes me back to when I had a car with narcolepsy. No fun.

Mz. Liz said...

You know - I'm a terrible friend. I didn't even know you had a new car and that it was such a source of elation and excitement. But I was properly dismayed at its lack of functionality. I'll come over and kick it for you if you want.

Liz W. said...

Liz, when you see her, just give her a look of disdain. She knows what she's done.

Et tu, new car, et tu?

Amanda said...

What sadness!!! I was just talking to John yesterday about the time with my Mazda when every month I was making 1-2 extra car payment sized pay outs to get my car fixed. It was such an emotionally low time for me. It really is one of the worst possible things. This is why I bought a Hyundai. Not because I loved the car but because it was brand new and came with that fabulous warranty. It could have been a hearse and I would have bought it. All for the peace of mind with a warranty! Does yours still have warranty left? My first thought when I read your misfortune was that you shouldn't call the missionaries and cuss them out for selling you a lemon. Just a hint.

Mz. Liz said...

Oh - Liz... you bought a mission car?! Oh wow. You are one brave woman.

Liz W. said...

And you no what's irritating, this is the 9th, yes 9th mission car my family has purchased, and we've had no problem with any of them---except me of course.

They've been great cars for my mom, 2 sisters, and 2 brothers...

It's my curse, I tells ya!

Eddie said...

I've found another handy "tow truck small talk" question is, "So, what's the biggest thing you've ever towed?"

But usually I just pretend to be interested in my cell phone. What better time to discover all those menus in there I've never seen before.